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An Ode to My Grandmère

Do you remember your grandmother for her culinary skills, or for her sharp, unyielding mind? My paati (my father's mother) could transform the simplest of ingredients into something unforgettable, her labor quietly sustaining everyone around her. But that is not how I remember her. To me, she was brilliance wrapped in resilience, a woman who thought deeply, questioned instinctively, and lived on her own terms long before such language existed. She was stopped from going to school but that did not step her from learning. With only fragments of help from her brother, she taught herself to read and write Tamil, patiently, stubbornly, letter by letter. She would go on to read books and quench her thirst for knowledge.  She grew up with a single father, her mother having passed away in childbirth. Her father never remarried, very rare in that day and age for a man. Instead, he poured his quiet protectiveness into raising her. Perhaps that is where she first learned what it meant to stan...
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The sovereign child or sacrificial lamb?

There are different approaches to old age. One is the silence of assumption: “We are secure. Our children will take care of us.” The other is the silence of resolve: “We must remain capable, and add on to the cups of next generation.” The difference between these two quiet beliefs can echo across generations. In many households, children were never just children. They were future security. Sometimes that security was imagined in the form of a son for financial continuity, physical protection, lineage. In other homes, especially where daughters were married albeit nearby, security was emotional with expectations of companionship, caregiving, presence in old age. The child became, subtly, an anchor. But anchors work both ways. They stabilize, and they restrict movement. When parents unconsciously treat a child as emotional or economic insurance , a psychological contract forms. It is rarely spoken aloud. The child simply absorbs it: My independence may destabilize my parent. That message...
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Building a Soft Life for Ourselves and Our Children

  How can we build a soft life for ourselves and our children? A soft life isn’t about luxury or escapism. It’s about peace, balance, and meaningful challenges — not meaningless struggles. Individuals who live a soft or near-soft life still face difficulties, but theirs are purposeful and growth-oriented , not chaotic or draining. For instance, a daughter in one family may have to cajole and plead with her parents just to attend college in a different city. In contrast, an empowered daughter — raised in a soft-life environment — is already sprouting her wings, preparing to face her semester’s challenges with confidence. Both face effort, but one’s struggle is liberating , while the other’s is limiting . Communication: The Foundation To build a soft life, parents must master the art of communication — with each other and with their children at every developmental stage. Words carry weight and meanings beyond what we intend. When a child throws a tantrum, the usual response i...
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Why Today’s Middle-Class Values May Not Sustain Tomorrow’s Middle-Class Life

  For generations, the middle class was seen as a safe anchor point between survival and luxury. It was the reward for hard work, discipline, and respectability. Families rose above lower socioeconomic struggles but carried many of its values— obedience to authority, sacrifice for children, and rigid cultural obligations —while adding on an achievement-oriented push for education and stable jobs. For decades, this blend worked: a government job, an engineering degree, or a modest home loan meant stability. But today, these very values are beginning to show cracks. What sustained the middle class in the past may not be enough to prevent it from sliding downward in the future. The Inherited Burden From the lower socioeconomic strata, the middle class absorbed respect for elders, ritual-heavy festivals, and community-based obligations. While these offered belonging, they also came with financial strain—lavish weddings, unquestioned authority at home, and rigid conformity. Families a...
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